10 things to stop saying to singles, now.

This past Sunday my Pastor, Bruce Frank, started a new series on relationships called iVow.

(click image or linked here - http://www.biltmorebaptist.tv/media/ivow/ )

That, coming across Matt Chandlers "Beautiful Design" series and some interesting interactions lately have really had my mind working overtime. 

When it comes to relationships, that can be a touchy subject for those married and single. I know this because I myself am single, and I am surrounded by single and married friends. 

From the single perspective, both singles in the church and outside of the church are all having a similar struggle. Our married friends and family, both older and younger, just aren't quite sure what to say to singles. Majority of the things they have said are not beneficial. 

So for the sake of singles everywhere, I have talked to some single friends of mine and together we have gathered a list of things for you to please stop saying to singles.

1. Why are you still single?

don't ask us why. it is not a math problem, we can't explain it to you. we don't know why either, but guess what, now you have made us wonder why and what could be so wrong with us. 

2. I can't believe that you are still single!

this is not beneficial. you may mean it as a compliment but trust me, it is not. 

3. I feel sorry for girls like you, no good guys left. 

another "you may mean well but it didn't come out too nicely" phrase. singleness is not a sickness, and we do not need you to pity us. 

4. I have the perfect person for you.

every single married person out there has the "perfect person" for their single friends. somebody always wants to set us up. and 9 times out of 10 it becomes a "is that really what you think of me" situation when we meet your "perfect person." unless you can really pull through, please stop trying to set us up. 

5. If you don't stop doing (whatever the thing may be) you will never get married.

we all have our weird quirks. even if you are married you've got them. if we are not doing anything illegal or unbiblical, then please stop telling us that if we have one said quirk that will keep us from finding somebody. nobody's perfect. 

6. Just date Jesus

you don't date Jesus. dating ends, so you are indicating we should not have a consistent, real relationship with Christ. 


7. You don't need to take a break from dating, what if you miss an opportunity? 

"God’s plan is all-inclusive. It is based on God’s omniscience (knowing all), so that everything past, present, and future is taken into account." (bible.org) there is nothing wrong with us taking some time to get our own affairs in order and to spend some time seeking only after Jesus. during our singleness God can use us in ways we can't be used otherwise. don't encourage singles to be afraid of missing an opportunity. 

(read more about God's perfect plan here https://bible.org/seriespage/2-god-s-perfect-plan )


8. It'll happen when you least expect it. 

news flash, we are single surrounded by married people everywhere and a world that constantly tells us we are less if we are alone, we are always expecting it. you may be trying to encourage us, but this is not one of those things that will. cliches are not encouraging. 



9. You will find somebody some day, it's coming.  

and last but not least, 

10. There is somebody out there looking for you right now. 

these last two are different yet so similar they basically go together. we love your heart on this one, we hope that somebody is our there looking for us too but we don't know that for sure. this too goes back to what we talked about before with God's perfect timing. nobody knows the plans for our lives but The Lord. 




Singles don't want to be pitied. Singleness is not a sickness or a punishment. We don't want you to feel sorry for us, we want you to love and encourage us. Encouraging us to use our time wisely, and to let The Lord use our time however He wants to. To stop looking on pinterest and making wedding plans, but use our time and efforts to make disciples. To take risks, try new things, and stop waiting to live our lives until find "the one." 

In 1 Corinthians 7 Paul tells us if we are unmarried he wants us to be free from anxieties because we are only to be anxious about the things of the Lord and how to please Him. 

So, if you find yourself talking with an unmarried friend (bitter or not so bitter, because there are definitely two sides of singleness) stay far away from the list above and encourage them with that nugget of truth, and the truth that Romans 8:28 tells us that God works all things together for our good, no matter what. 

the biggest problem with the iphone 6

With a brand new iPhone 6 in my hand and the holidays right around the next bend, this video becomes all the more real.



I challenge you this Christmas season to unplug from your technology. Don't worry about the selfies, the pictures of all the gifts you received and everything going on around you. Instead try to remember those moments by actually living them, and plugging more into those around you. 

Psalm 107:1 Give thanks to The Lord for He is good.

Happy Thanksgiving! 

As I was washing my Rapunzel hair this morning (which for those of you that truly know me, you know that is a huge deal) I started thinking "what am I thankful for?" and then the idea clicked to write a blog post. As I am still washing my hair (side note; there is so stinkin much of this that I have plenty of time to think, hence the Rapunzel reference) I continued to think about what I would write about, but the thought also came to mind "why do you write?" and the answer to that was "to get the Lord's name out there, not my own." As much as I love having over 2000 views on my blog, and lots of likes, comments, and positive feedbacks... that is not my purpose for this blog. If I reach one person with this blog than it has served its purpose. As I continue to follow my calling to write today, I am thankful for so many things.


Give thanks to The Lord for He is good. 

Psalm 107:1 Oh give thanks to the LORD, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever!

Psalm 118:1 Oh give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; for his steadfast love endures forever!

Psalm 136:1 Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever.

1 Chronicles 16:34 Oh give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; for his steadfast love endures forever!

the key words I pull out of those 4 scriptures are he is good. 

Is.

Is, is the present tense of be. 

Present tense. That means He is good now. How cool is that to think about?

When you think about How good the Lord is now and all the time. I think it makes it a little bit easier to have a thankful heart. 

In this month of thanksgiving, if you read a daily devotional or you get the verse of the day from some source, it is all about giving the Lord thanks and why that is so important, at least my Jesus Calling devotional was on point with that this month and I loved it. 

He has blessed me beyond words. & I truly believe if you have an attitude of thanksgiving in every situation, and you remember that The Lord is good and works all things together for our good, that your valleys will be just as sweet to walk through as your mountain tops.

Here is an example of that;

A couple of Thursday's ago at Vertical @ Biltmore Baptist, we were to turn and tell someone what we were thankful for. I turned to an unfamiliar face behind me and said "I am thankful for my family." He without hesitation responded "Wow, you must have a pretty awesome family." To which I said back "If you only knew." 

In my mind I was thinking.. if you only knew the hurt I have walked through. If you only knew my story. If you only knew how crazy times were. If you only knew how things have changed over 23 years. If you only knew how much fun we have & how our pretty cool our relationships are today. 

Because I have a thankful heart and I know that The Lord is good, I can see that everything I walked through with my family was all a part of His plan for good. Of course at the time I could not see how any of the chaos could ever be considered "good" But bless, am I thankful for every single step of life I have walked through with my family and sweet friends I have by my side. It was all part of God's plan for good in my life and it has shaped me into the woman I am today; with a strong love for the Lord and a heart of thanksgiving. 

If I had to guess, there are more than enough people walking through that part of life right now. Maybe it isn't your family issues. Maybe it's a job, another broken relationship, or a missing relationship. There is a blessing in it somewhere. The cool thing that I like to think about often is that everything I have been through, everything I currently go through, everything I will go through, every breath & every step I take was perfectly hand crafted especially for me. So all of this stuff, because the Lord is good was picked out and planned for your good because He loves you more than words could ever explain. 

I truly believe that when you taste & see that word of the Lord is good, and that He is good, and that he is working things all together for your good... those valleys you walk through will eventually become so much sweeter to you than those mountain tops. 

You can tell me, "well you don't know my story.. you don't know me"  & I can tell you that you are exactly right. But I know somebody who does. I know the One who breathed you into creation. I know the One who had all of your days planned before you were created. I know that He is good and that He wants good for you and that He has a blessing and silver lining in that dark cloud in that dark valley you are stuck in. 

"Let thankfulness rule in your heart. As you thank The Lord for blessing in your life, the more you will see. Focus on The Lord and what He is doing. Sing to God with a heart of gratitude." -- Jesus Calling 

You may be weak, but God's spirit is strong in you. Give thanks frequently as you journey through today.   Rejoice always,  pray without ceasing,  give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 

So I know I don't have a list here of what I am thankful for, but I hope what you take out of this is that I am thankful for everything. 

Again, Happy Thanksgiving! Enjoy your plates full of food you know you shouldn't eat. Enjoy your loud aunt, crazy cousins, and your uncle with the crude jokes. You don't get to choose your family, but God hand picked them especially for you! 

-B

Sometimes a "no", "do not", or "don't have" is a blessing too

She sat across from me with her hand gently around that red cup, in the seat where her back would be against the wall. She didn't much care to have her back to the room, she liked to be able to see what was going on.

She had answered questions about ministry, her time with The Lord, friendships, and more about her new season of life with her head held high and a smile on her face. With the last question she answered though, something changed so quickly. Her shoulders dropped, her tone changed, and without looking up she said "no, I'm not married."

The quick change was such a shock. From the things she had been saying it was very evident The Lord has blessed her with many many things and had His hand on her. This girl had answered everything so joyfully and then that one question, the answer to that one question she carried the answer around with her in shame.

She had so many blessings, but had she missed that because the enemy had pulled one of the oldest tricks in the book?

Let me explain. Go back with me to the beginning. Not the beginning of this story, but the beginning of The Story. Back to the Garden of Eden.

(There is a lot of scripture here so I won't insert it all, but I encourage you when you have a moment to go read through Genesis 2.)

Let me talk to you about Eve, the very first woman in the Bible, and the very first for the enemy to pull this trick on. 

Eve had a man (companionship).
Eve had 4 rivers flowing through the garden of Eden (water)
Eve had trees, plants, and animals within quick reach (food)
Eve had The Lord's blessing, protection, and perfection surrounding her.

She had it all, but one thing. And here is where the enemy pulls a fast one on her. He places a big ole spot light on the one thing she doesn't have. Using that one thing to distract her and make her think The Lord is holding out on her and does not know what is best for her. There is a reason she doesn't have that one thing in her possession, but she is encompassed in the enemy's trick that she can't see that. 

Sound familiar? See how these two stories are oh so similar? 

From the very beginning this has been a trick of the enemy's. Eve missed all The Lord had blessed her with because she was so focused on that one thing she did not have. She was so distracted by it that she couldn't even trust The Lord and know that maybe He had a reason for keeping that one thing she was lacking away from her. 

The same goes with the girl in the story with her head hung low in shame of the fact she does not have a husband. 

Can I be completely honest with you about something? That girl in the story, remember her? Yeah, that was me. Head hung in shame as soon as somebody asked if I was married. Every single time, my reaction was the same. 

Head hung in shame.
Shame wrapped in thoughts of they will wonder what is wrong with me, and try to figure out why I'm not married. 

Then one day I felt the Lord prick my heart and whisper "you are missing all the other blessings, because you are so focused on what you do not have. Be thankful, and keep your eyes focused on me and what you do have." and with that He placed the story of Eve on my mind. 

After reading and studying what Eve had in the Garden of Eden and how she had fallen prey to the same exact trap I did, it was like my eyes were opened. 

God calls us to be content, not complacent. 
Faithful, focused, and fruitful with what He has given us, not distracted, distraught, and disobedient because there are things He has not given us. 

Don't be so distracted by the do nots that you miss the sweet blessings of Your Heavenly Father. Sometimes a no, do not, or don't have is a blessing too. 

Just as Eve couldn't see that The Lord had a plan and purpose, I couldn't see that He had and has a plan for me too and that "don't have" is a blessing too. 

We all have wants which we feel like are our needs. Yours is probably on the tip of your tongue right now. I challenge you to open your fists and hand it over to The Lord. I challenge you to trust He has a reason for it not being in your life in this season. 

One day He may and you will know God is God and God is good. 
And it may never come but you will know that God is still God and God is still good. 

So friend if you take nothing from this keep this little nugget of truth in the back of your mind ...

Praise Him for what you do have, and  Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith,because the enemy comes to kill steal and destory. (1 Peter 5:8-9 & John 10:10) 

oh the joy of vulnerability

oh the joy of vulnerability

as hard as it may be to convey a tone in writing, I am hoping that you can pick up on my sarcastic tone in that statement.

Joy - a feeling of great pleasure and happiness

Vulnerability (or vulnerable) - susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm

A feeling of great pleasure and happiness of being susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm.

 Now are you picking up my sarcasm? Those two just don't go together. At least not in a great pleasurable and happy way.

Have you ever opened up about something, poured our your heart, feelings, thoughts, and emotions only to be met with indifference. Or the cold, hard sting of the words, actions, or feelings you hoped for to never come your way.

To come to that place where you are susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm? That place where you want to shut off, close down, and never even dream of tip-toeing around that word, vulnerability? 

You have? Me too. 

Lately I have learned there is however a lot of learning, growing, and character development in vulnerability. 

As a quiet, calm (I laugh even typing those two words to describe myself) woman with a strong spirit, vulnerability might as well be a four letter word that catches you off guard when you hear it from somebody else, or a pile of dirty laundry you know exists but avoid it at all costs. 

I don't think it's harder for women than men to be vulnerable, I believe it is an across the board issue.

However, doing some thinking, reading, praying, and researching and actually putting myself in those situations where I've had to be.... vulnerable  has really made me think about how things would be different in my relationships, my ministry, or my discipleship groups if I was more vulnerable.

There is something about being vulnerable that makes you flip. Once you open that bag of vulnerability the fear of man instantaneously flies in. Happened to me, just last night. I won't go into detail about what, why, or who with, but I will say that I had to come to a point where I had to calm it down and try to see the positive side of my vulnerability. Which in turn is why I am writing this post. 

Reading around, I found this quote about that which we avoid, vulnerability from a man named Patrick Lencioni, A man I have never heard of or know anything about. Yet a man who has a good way of seeing how vulnerability is a good thing which is what I am looking for. 

"Vulnerability. It is one of the most undervalued and misunderstood of all human qualities. Without the willingness to be vulnerable, we will not build deep  and lasting relationships in life. That's because there is no better way to earn a person's trust than by putting ourselves in a position  of unprotected weakness." 

I can't help but read that and think of vulnerability and think of Jesus. A man who didn't pretend, wasn't prideful, boastful, but was real. He was an easy to connect with, easy to follow, easy to love, easy to want to be like kind of man. A man who gave us the greatest most amazing things he could, all by being vulnerable. 

That alone takes the sting out of vulnerability. 

How deep and real were Jesus' relationships, ministry, and discipleship? 

I don't know about you, but if having relationships, ministry, and discipleship like Jesus means being a little more vulnerable, i'm in. 

I don't know what that vulnerability looks like in your life. You're probably thinking now you don't know what happened to me the last time I was vulnerable. How stupid it made me feel, how others looked at me... you don't know.  Friend you are correct but I can be vulnerable with you and tell you I've been there. I've kept feelings in and when I opened up about them it was a little too late. I've had to swallow my pride and admit I was wrong. I've had to sit down with a friend who is hurting and broken by something I am all too familiar with and open an old wound so I could meet her where she is all by saying, "you'e not alone, me too..." 

So I don't know what being vulnerable will look like or has looked like in the past for you, but if I can encourage you to give it another try and to help take the sting out of it for you, then that is a start. 

I am by all means not saying please air your dirtiest, darkest secrets on social media, or at any other inappropriate times or ways. I am saying that it is okay to be attentive to a moment you need to open up about feelings, or swallow your pride and admit something, and be brave and follow through. 

I am saying that it is okay to come to a place where you can say "oh the joy of vulnerability" and mean it; and knowing if having relationships, ministry, and discipleship like Jesus means being a little more vulnerable, you too can say "i'm in." 

"God asks us to be this vulnerable all the time – with Him and with others – if we want true joy."